La Mirada #15-Questions

self portrait, photo.

Next month I'll be taking another Thyrogen Test to measure my (thyroid) cancer marker. I had two of those before-one smack between two breast cancer surgeries, ugh. The marker went from 2,5 to 1,5. It should be unmeasurable, that is, under 1. The second time, they said I had nothing to worry about though, as the marker had gone down. If there had been cancer residue left, it would have gone up. Makes sense. So I was quite surprised that they'd want to repeat it now, after 5 years ... Normally-but what's that?-they don't, unless there are problems. There aren't any, except the damn thing was 1,5 and not 1 or under. As the doctor said the words "we suggest to repeat the Thyrogen test," I felt the wave rising ...
It tells me that I (still?) can't really 'control' my emotions in that moment, when docs go there, even if I've had the experience of two cancers. I'm guessing that, if they'd say, it's back or you have a third cancer, the wave would rise and I'd be overwhelmed again, though I'm certainly stronger in coping with treatment strategies, acceptance, the not knowing that accompanies the cancer, any cancer. That moment, in which they go there, the wave rises and I('ll) have no defense.