Saturday, December 5, 2009

La Mirada #7-two cancers gave me...


Black&white photo.
Aside from fear, chaos, doubt, stress, grief, anger, a changed body, disorientation, confrontation, a sense of loss, loss of people I thought were friends, loss of people I thought would be there for us .... ?
The list is long, but I'll cut to the chase:
(Some) people ask whether the experience has changed my outlook on life. No, it hasn't. I was living quite aware before. It has given me the courage and the strength to act upon that outlook though, to actually do something in going after what I feel is important, to find my people. I'm no longer such a procrastinator at life. I go for what I want (to do), I'm much more selective with the company I keep. I drifted further away from family, but it's okay, I no longer feel that responsible for contact gone awry, I feel that's a good thing. I've learned to forgive, because I do not want to fret or use up my energy thinking about what went wrong, what I or someone else said wrong, to feel angry or bitter. I'm getting to know my strong points and my pitfalls. I'm getting to know some old patterns I seem to be repeating in my contacts with my doctors, but they're also happening elsewhere. The latest one is pretty big: if I turn to you for help or support, if I come to ask you something and you ignore me, dismiss me, patronize me, turn me down or away, I will-with loads of pain&frustration, don't get me wrong!-do it myself, I will not give up until I can solve it myself or until I find someone who can and will help+ I will never turn to you again ... That mechanism seems to make me (even) stronger as a human being, it allows me to take good care of my body/myself and I hope I will be able to do that for my life-time!-I can see it now: I will be a long haired, grumpy, tenacious, feisty old woman ;)-I think that, from now on, I will trust those old processes. I think that they shape my survivor-mentality. So what did these two cancers give me other than ...? My two cancers have set me free to celebrate my life!

Oh, and btw, here's something from YouTube that'll help me with that too:
Pink Glove Dance for Breast Cancer Awareness, awesooooome!
Come ooooon UZ Gasthuisberg, Multidisciplinary Breast Center, get with it already!!! ;)

3 comments:

Bill Evertson said...

Great insights in this post; things we all need to realize about ourselves and our relationships. Thanks Ria!!

ria said...

:)

Dennis W. Pyritz RN said...

Congratulations on your great writing. This post has been selected as this week's Guest Post feature at www.beingcancer.net. It will be published Dec 31st with two links to your blog. People tell me they see an increase in blog traffic when they are selected as a Guest. In addition I will add you to our Honor Roll for Excellence in Cancer Writing and designate your blog as such in our extensive blogroll, Cancer Blogs. Please have a look around my website and add it to your blogroll. I may be writing you about other projects in the future. Take care, Dennis